I’m the first to admit, out loud and to pretty much everyone, that I have a really shitty self-esteem. I don’t take compliments well at all when I get them, no matter what they are for. And I hate looking in the mirror. Hell, most days, I hate getting up in the morning because I don’t want to go through all the nonsense of being out in public. Which sucks.
When I was a kid, I was diagnosed with ADHD and put on Ritalin like most of the world in the 80s. Unlike most of the world, it didn’t make me not want to eat so that I got super skinny. Nope. Because I lost the ambition to be outside running around and burning off the calories, all I wanted to do was sit inside and eat while watching TV (or reading a book). I went from being a healthy sized kid (though admittedly big-boned) to a chubby kid. And beyond that to a fat teen and an obese adult.
I hate this about myself. I hate how I look. I hate how I feel every day. Yes, I know that I’m the only person who can change it. But I also know that it really isn’t that easy.
No, I’m not looking for some kind of ‘blink and I’m thin’ solution. I have no problem working for it. I lost 65 lbs three years ago and felt happy with myself for the first time in .. forever. But then I gained it all back. Living in a house where I’m stuck on a third floor and have no real kitchen in which to make anything remotely healthy to eat, I’ve gained it all back and then some by stuffing my face with tv dinners or fast food. Which, by the way? I find absolutely disgusting.
Yes, I admit, I’m disgusted with myself. I LOVE fresh veggies and fruits. I snack on them often. I’m not a fan of chips or pretzels or popcorn. I don’t eat much candy except for one week out of the month where chocolate is a girl’s best friend. But when you have nowhere to prepare anything that’s of value to put into your system? It limits the ability to eat wisely and healthy.
This is one of my main reasons for deciding to move to Florida, by the way. When I move to Florida, I’ll be staying with my Mom for a little while and she has a wonderful kitchen! This isn’t to say that my boyfriend’s parents have not tried to be accommodating. They really have. They’ve allowed me to live here for the last three years, hardly pay anything in rent, help out in purchasing food for everybody as well as all my own toiletries, and .. well, that’s awesome. But their kitchen? Stuffed to the gills with things that cover every ounce of space — which is entirely limited in the first place. No counters to prep on, a sink that is ALWAYS full of dishes even when you just washed them the night before, and an oven that’s absolutely disgusting. Yeah … don’t get me started.
I’m looking forward to moving because I’m looking forward to having a chance to get back to that happy point. I’ll get to work out with my sister, who has lost a ton of weight since moving there and is happier than I’ve seen her in ages. I’ll have somebody to walk with, and they have nice even sidewalks (plus a gorgeous walking pier that is about three miles!). Plus .. the oh-so-wonderful kitchen that will allow me to break my Hungry Girl cookbook back out putting me back on track!
This probably sounds like a ton of excuses to anyone reading this. And maybe it is. You’re welcome to assume whatever you want about me. Call me lazy and fat ass and whatever. But I know that I’ve tried. And I know that a new situation will make things better.
Back to my initial point of this post though. My personal body image? Awful. I’ve hated how I’ve looked my entire life except for those few months where I’d gotten things under control in a positive way. So I understand what it’s like to feel bad about yourself. I also understand that almost everyone on the planet has something about themselves that they aren’t fond of. And being judged by those things? It just makes matters worse.
I work with two men who are in their forties and who like to talk to the twenty-something guys that work in the department closest to ours. They spend their days watching all the women who come to our store shopping and stand off to the side rating them. Today, I overheard a portion of a conversation between the two men in our department about how they’d only sleep with the one girl if they were wearing beer goggles. Which only ended up making me feel terrible about myself.
The girl in question was average height, relatively skinny in my eyes, and had a really nice smile. Her nose was a little pinched and her face wasn’t exactly symmetrical. But she was pretty, just the same. And here are these guys saying that she’s basically ‘so ugly they’d have to be drunk.’
For a girl like me? That’s crushing. I’m overweight and taller than a lot of guys. I wear glasses and have freckles. My cheeks are almost always red but the rest of me is super pale. And I’m a ginger. I’m not exactly what most people would call ‘a catch.’ But someone caught me and he thinks that I’m beautiful.
I just have to wonder sometimes what people say about me behind my back. Not that I’d want to hear it all to my face, honestly. I probably wouldn’t be able to take it. The only kinds of compliments I hear are : You have such a nice complexion. I love your smile. Your hair is so pretty. I wish I was that tall! You’d make a great pillow. I bet you’re nice and warm to sleep next to. So on, and so on.
Do guys ever wonder what kind of things are said about them? Are they too cocky to really care one way or the other? Does it bother them if they overhear things like this? What if somebody told them ‘only if I had beer goggles on’?
At some point in my life, I hope that this sort of stuff doesn’t phase me. I’m probably going to post about stuff like this often because I’ve always just kept it to myself and that’s not really doing me any favors. Getting it off my chest, putting these thoughts somewhere else, that’s the first step in letting it all go. The first step in trying to accept myself for who I am. Because I want to. I want to be okay with me as a person, me as a whole. I guess that’s the real reason I started this blog — a venting spot so that I can learn to just ‘be okay’. Being okay is important. To everyone.