If you’ve read any of my previous entries, you’ve probably figured out by now that I don’t exactly have a great self-image. I started writing this blog (one of the reasons!) to work on that, to give myself an outlet of sorts. I wanted to be able to discuss how I see myself in a place where I didn’t feel judged. I wanted to be able to bounce ideas and thoughts off of like-minded individuals and to read about their own struggles with body image. I wanted a place where I could grow and potentially shed the part of me that hates from the outside in.
A few years ago, before I started dating my ex again, I had lost about 65 lbs. It was a struggle. It took a lot of time and effort. It took me very carefully paying attention to everything I ate and making the point of exercising, something I hadn’t ever really done in my life before (P.E. class doesn’t count!). I was so proud of myself and that’s probably the happiest that I’d ever really been. I could look in the mirror without being completely grossed out by what I saw looking back at me. I was able to shop for tank tops and a one-piece bathing suit without shame.
Somewhere over the course of the last three years, I gained everything back. I started to sink into a depression — I was depressed about myself, about my relationship, about my family being gone, about work. There really wasn’t anything pushing me to try anymore. And I really needed to work hard to dig my way out of that hole.
I’m not saying that I’m anywhere near close to being 100% happy in my life. I’m not. But I’m making a conscious effort to change the things I don’t like. I spend more time writing. I spend more time with my art. I go to the bookstore again on my days off. I try not to let my stressful job follow me home. I try not to let my jealousy and distrust thanks to previous downfalls with my current man ruin every waking hour. I try to get more sleep. And as of yesterday, I’m trying to watch what I eat again.
My work is doing an in store ‘Biggest Loser’ challenge. A lot of my co-workers are signing up for it. We’ll be meeting with a nutritionist on the 30th to discuss the rules and have our first weigh-in. I’m nervous about joining in because I don’t like the idea of people I work with actually knowing my weight. But at the same time? I feel like it might push me to get back on the bandwagon. So far, so good.
I went shopping after work today with my boyfriend to pick up more healthy options of things for me to eat. I’m going to begin packing my lunch again. I’m gonna take healthy snacks with me so that I’m not tempted to buy a donut or munch on some random cookies in the bakery. I’m back to drinking water instead of Gatorade. And I’m logging everything in my ‘Lose It’ account, like I did before when I’d finally managed to get down to a weight that was less than what I’d weighed in high school!
I’m determined to do this. I’m determined to shrug off the depression and the poor self-image. I know that it’s going to be a struggle because I’ve had low self-esteem my whole life. But I saw a glimpse of contentment with myself back then. And I want to get that back. If I could just .. get that back, maybe then I could really work on the bigger issues and learn to accept me as a whole.
So. Biggest Loser. I plan to OWN that shit.