Repeat.

Today is the first time I’ve come to the bookstore and the minute I sit down, I just want to leave.  I don’t know where I want to go, mind you.  I don’t want to go home.  I don’t want to be here.  I just .. I’m feeling like I just don’t want to be.  If that makes any sense.

These are not moments that I have often but they are definitely more frequent.  In the last three years, they’ve happened a lot.  And I know that I can chalk it up to my boyfriend, which is awful.  I’m not happy.

Or rather, I’m not always happy.  There are times where it’s great.  Where I’m glad we got back together and I can see it actually working out this time.  But then there are times where everything feels the same as before.  I feel like I’m being manipulated and lied to.  I feel like he’s walking all over me and that my feelings don’t matter to him at all.

Like today.  He told me that he had an appointment with the surgeon to discuss what’s going on with his knee.  I thought it seemed a little too good to be believable since before a week ago he didn’t even have insurance.  And honestly, I still don’t believe that he does.  He tells stories.  All the time.  It’s who he is.

I used to be able to tell when he was lying without fail.  But he’s gotten better at hiding it when he really wants to.  Or maybe he actually believes the shit he tells people most days.  I’m honestly not sure.

Today was my day to come to the bookstore but he asked me to go with him to his 10 AM appointment.  So I changed my plans for the day.  I stayed home.  Then when we got up, he said he got a phone call from the nurse (I assume he meant the receptionist or whoever handles that shit) telling him the surgeon had an emergency surgery and that they’d call him later in the day if he could be seen.  Okay, whatever.  That stuff happens within the medical field.  So we’ll wait.

And then he gets a phone call from this guy who he’s told me he isn’t talking to anymore.  You see, this guy was getting him back into the drug scene that was bad for him before.  Luckily, my boyfriend was arrested on unpaid fines from years ago — landed in jail for 30 days and was able to get clean.  He joined NA and from what he told me, he wasn’t talking to this person anymore.  Obviously, that’s a lie.

We’ve had this argument a number of times.  Why would you want to spend time with somebody who brings you down to their level?  Why would you want to be around a person who uses you and puts you in front of stuff you shouldn’t be around?  Why would you want to get back in with a person who lies and manipulates?

And now, I’m questioning myself.  Why do I want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t notice how much he’s hurting me with this shit.  Or rather, with someone who doesn’t seem to care about anyone but himself.  He’s a narcissist.  He really is.

But I love him.  I’m stupid for loving him.  I always have been stupid for loving him.  I deserve somebody who is actually going to take the time to be there for me without giving me some whiny ‘oh, you’ll get what you want like always, I won’t go anywhere anymore’ line.

never get what I want.  I’m never allowed to just have a good day.  I’m never allowed to like myself for more than a few minutes.  I was determined to get back on track with this diet thing so that I could feel better about myself.  And then this stuff happens.  All I want to do is eat an entire chocolate cake because who fucking cares what I look like, anyhow?  The one person who’s seen me naked never wants to touch me anyway because he’s too busy lying to me and running off to hang out with people who are worthless.

He’s worthless.  I know it.  I tell myself this all the time.  And yet I can’t seem to make myself leave.  I’m scared of leaving because there isn’t anybody here to help me.  My family is gone and I have nowhere else to stay.  But that’s a really crap reason to stay when he so obviously doesn’t want me around unless it’s convenient to him.

I want to find someone I can trust.  Someone who doesn’t make me question everything, every single day.

These are the thoughts that go through my head on the days where I’m not happy.  Like today.  And then on the days that I am?  I forgive him.  I let it go.  I try to be better.

I wasn’t sure I was going to publish this one, but the entire point of this blog is so that I can get my thoughts out of my head.  I can’t talk to my family about this stuff because I know what they’d say.  And I’m sure I know what everyone else will say too.  I’m stupid for staying.  I’m too good for him and I should leave.

If only it was that simple.  If only I believed any of that.

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